i write on here because its the only place where i can write and not be judge or worry bout the wrong person reading it. new years was great. but my heart still hurts. the one guy i cant stop wanting i dont think i can ever trust. i dont know what to do anymore about him. hes the ex that keeps reappearing. and hes out of the military in a year and if neither of us isnt with anybody wants to see where things go. but i dont even know if he really means that or not. and he told me hes not with his gf that their just friends now but idk if thats a lie or not. i just dont know! and on new years i finally kissed the guy i like. and it was great. but it was nothing compared to the ex. and i want to cry b.c. theres this empty void in my heart and i go out with these really good guys and the whole time i want to be with my ex? sigh. i just wish i knew the truth. i wish he could and would only tell me the truth. that way i’d have an idea if he’s really worth being friends with and seeing where things go. oh heart why can’t you turn against him and be happy with someone else.
“And were you saved, / And I condemned to be / Where you were not, / That self were hell to me, / So we must keep apart, / You there, I here. / With just the door ajar / That oceans are, / And prayer, / And that pale sustenance, / Despair! - Emily Dickinson”—
When it comes to love, for once in my life, I would like things to go my way. For just once in my life, I would like to feel wanted. Just once, I would like to feel needed. I am ALWAYS the one who falls, always. I am always the one who foolishly gives my heart away. I always take chances hoping, just hoping that things will go my way for once. I hope that just once things will turn out differently.
To put it simply, I am tired.
For once, I don’t want to be the girl that gets looked over. I don’t want to be the girl that is just the really good friend and never the girlfriend. I don’t want to be the girl who is pretty but never pretty enough.
But then again, maybe it’s my fault. What did I expect to happen? Guys like him never go for girls like me. He’s just too perfect.
In the words of my idol, Esmee Denters, “You say you need me but you need my help. When are you gonna help me? I am so tired of waiting for a change.”
< i so agree with steph on this…i’m in the same boat right now…>